Today I keep remembering the early days after Ilhan was
born.
Oh, how I struggled.
I struggled to cope with having 2 kids. I struggled to cope
with a demanding newborn. I struggled to deal with severe sleep deprivation. I
struggled to deal with post-baby blues.
Less than 24 hours after Ilhan was born, I was discharged
and was allowed to go home. And home was where I headed to. Not my mom’s, not
my mom-in-law’s. I headed straight back to my own home ( but I did stop by my
mom’s house for a few hours to eat and
pick up Layla).
Everyone was against it of course. They were worried about
me coping with my 2 kids; a newborn and a very demanding toddler. They were
worried about me climbing up the stairs to my apartment on the 3rd
floor right after giving birth. I guess the worries were valid, but, siapa
boleh lawan kedegilan aku, kan? Hafetz was reluctant, but he supported what I
wanted. He took about a week’s leave to look after me and the kids. (And I’m
forever grateful for that.)
One of the first things I struggled with was the guilt I
felt towards Layla. I was used to spending all my time with her. Sleeping with
her, napping with her, feeding her, bathing her, hugging her, kissing her. And suddenly
all my time is occupied with this little boy. Ilhan was feeding ALL THE TIME,
so it almost seemed like he was stuck to my chest 24 hours. He sleeps lightly
and wakes up to the slightest sound, so there was little time where I could
spend exclusively with Layla. She didn’t show tantrum or anything, but I was
feeling really guilty. And how I missed her. To get her out of my way, Hafetz used
to bring her out; to the shop, to Nenek’s house, to some casual outing with his
officemates. And that made me miss her even more. I was crying a lot, and I
blame it all on post-baby blues.
Sleep deprivation was also a huge problem. I know, all mothers
go through that. The general advice would be to sleep when your baby sleeps;
that’s when you get your rest. But this time it’s different. This time it’s not
as simple as that. I had another child with me, a toddler. And sleep isn’t her
favorite thing in the world. So whenever Ilhan sleeps, I’d be spending my
precious time with Layla. What’s worse is that they sleep at different times
all the time. Sorang tido, sorang bangun. Sorang tido, sorang bangun. At one
point Ilhan would stay awake until up to 4am at nights and would nap for hours
in the day, while Layla sleeps really well at night and refuses to nap at all
in the day. I was getting hardly 3 hours of sleep daily. Oh, the torture.
And Ilhan was famous for being ‘muntah boy’ and ‘buchuk boy’.
He pukes ALL.THE.TIME. and he craps ALL.THE.TIME. Tukar pampers je berpuluh
kali sehari. Tu belum kira tukar baju sebab muntah. Mandikan pun tak boleh
letak dalam besen, sebab dalam besen pun dia berak. I had to bathe him on my
legs. Aku rapatkan dan luruskan dua-dua kaki, baringkan dia atas betis, dan
siram air.
Oh Ilhan Shahid. You were a real challenge. And I feel it so
much more because I’m a stay at home mom. He’s my job 24 hours a day. I don’t
get 9 to 5 working hours, I don’t get public holidays, I don’t get annual
leaves, I don’t get weekends off. I don’t get any chance to miss him because I’m
by his side all the time. Only another stay at home mom would understand what I
mean.
I used to pray for time to pass faster. Pray he would grow quickly.
Just a little bit. Please reach 3 months old. 6 months old. And suddenly it’s
passing too quickly for me. Suddenly he grew out of his difficult stages and
progressed real fast. Rolling over. Sitting up. Crawling. Laughing. Eating. Walking.
Talking.
And he is such a doll. Sangat manja dan cuddly. Sangat sweet
and full of kisses and hugs. Sangat bijak dan cheeky.
I love you baby boy. For everything that you are. I survived
you, and that’s made me a stronger Mama. Mama mungkin dah serik beranak sebab
pengalaman jaga Ilhan tu, but I’m still thankful for that experience.
Grow up
and be good. That’s all I ask of you.
*Hugs and kisses*
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