Pre-EuroTrip

I’m leaving in less than 24 hours! Truth be told, I am so nervous I can’t even describe the feeling.

Tolak tepi hal anak-anak (yang dah aku bebelkan sejak beberapa post yang lalu), trip ni memang meletakkan aku di luar comfort zone aku. Ironic kan? Untuk aku dan husband menang trip ke Europe berdua. Ini aku. Aku, yang punyelah penakut sampai terpaksa cancelkan trip ke Pulau Perhentian semata-mata sebab tak ada geng nak join kami.

Sejak kahwin, aku dan husband hanya pernah bercuti berdua ke PD, Pulau Pangkor, Bukit Tinggi Pahang dan Cameron. Yang lain-lainnya mesti pergi dengan geng, tak kiralah kawan ke, family ke. Kenapa? Sebab aku penakut. Masa ke Kuching, Sarawak, kami berani pergi sebab Cemek kerja kat sana. Ada orang untuk dijadikan sumber informasi. And also, Emy, Kimin and the whole family went at the same time dan kami ada geng kat sana. And then lately kalau pergi bercuti, baik ke Cherating, ke Sungkai, ke Penang, semuanya dengan Mama dan Abah. Passport yang aku buat pada tahun 2008 dulu hanya pernah digunakan sekali; untuk ke Jakarta/Bandung. Itupun trip atas ihsan Kak Zai dan Abang Esa. Kalau tak, memang tak penah jejak luar negara aku ni.

Which is why husband kata kami ditakdirkan menang percutian ni sebab we need it. We need the experience. We need to be thrown in this situation so we’d get out of our comfort zone, go see the world and come back a braver soul.

I hope everything goes well, coz we can’t afford hiccups. Seriously, we literally can’t AFFORD it. Nasib baik menang trip ni termasuklah sekali dengan RM5,000 duit belanja. Kalau tak, pegi sana memang aku telan air liur jela. Dan aku seorang yang paranoid, and I’m always thinking of the worst things that could happen. What if we miss a flight? What if we lose our passports? What if we lose our way in Europe and can’t find our group mates? What if there’s an earthquake (memandangkan sejak seminggu lepas kat Bologna, Italy dok ada earthquake je)? What if the plane crashes? Nauzubillah…

So, Italy, Switzerland and France, nantikan kehadiran kami!

Our flight tomorrow is at 10.20am, and we haven’t packed. Husband is still working today. My breast milk hasn’t dried up completely even though I’ve been weaning Ilhan off for the past 3 weeks plus. I feel like I don’t have enough clothes to bring. I’m gonna cry my eyes off tomorrow coz I can’t bear to leave my kids for 12 days. We probably won’t be able to contact our families since the charges are so damn expensive.

So there. Please pardon my pessimism. I’m always like this prior to any trip what-so-ever. I don’t wanna jinx it by being too excited. Let’s hope I’d get back alive so all of you can read about my trip.

Doakan perjalanan kami selamat pergi dan pulang.

Maksudnya:

Dengan memohon pertolongan Allah yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang. Allah Maha Besar (3x).

Maha Suci Tuhan yang telah memudahkan kenderaan ini untuk kami, sedang kami sebelum itu tidak terdaya menguasainya.Dan sesungguhnya kami akan kembali kepada Tuhan kami (di hari Kiamat). Ya Allah! Sesungguhnya kami memohon kebaikan dan taqwa dalam pemergian ini, kami mohon perbuatan yang Engkau redhai. Ya Allah! Permudahlah perjalanan kami ini, dan dekatkan jaraknya bagi kami. Ya Allah! Engkaulah teman dalam perjalanan dan yang mengurusi keluarga(ku). Ya Allah! Sesungguhnya aku berlindung kepadaMu dari kelelahan dalam perjalanan, pemandangan yang menyedihkan dan perubahan yang tidak baik dalam harta dan keluarga.

(Dari Doa Nabi Muhammad SAW)R

Remembering Ilhan Shahid's Early Days: Mama's Confession

Today I keep remembering the early days after Ilhan was born.

Oh, how I struggled.

I struggled to cope with having 2 kids. I struggled to cope with a demanding newborn. I struggled to deal with severe sleep deprivation. I struggled to deal with post-baby blues.

Less than 24 hours after Ilhan was born, I was discharged and was allowed to go home. And home was where I headed to. Not my mom’s, not my mom-in-law’s. I headed straight back to my own home ( but I did stop by my mom’s  house for a few hours to eat and pick up Layla).

Everyone was against it of course. They were worried about me coping with my 2 kids; a newborn and a very demanding toddler. They were worried about me climbing up the stairs to my apartment on the 3^rd floor right after giving birth. I guess the worries were valid, but, siapa boleh lawan kedegilan aku, kan? Hafetz was reluctant, but he supported what I wanted. He took about a week’s leave to look after me and the kids. (And I’m forever grateful for that.)

One of the first things I struggled with was the guilt I felt towards Layla. I was used to spending all my time with her. Sleeping with her, napping with her, feeding her, bathing her, hugging her, kissing her. And suddenly all my time is occupied with this little boy. Ilhan was feeding ALL THE TIME, so it almost seemed like he was stuck to my chest 24 hours. He sleeps lightly and wakes up to the slightest sound, so there was little time where I could spend exclusively with Layla. She didn’t show tantrum or anything, but I was feeling really guilty. And how I missed her. To get her out of my way, Hafetz used to bring her out; to the shop, to Nenek’s house, to some casual outing with his officemates. And that made me miss her even more. I was crying a lot, and I blame it all on post-baby blues.

Sleep deprivation was also a huge problem. I know, all mothers go through that. The general advice would be to sleep when your baby sleeps; that’s when you get your rest. But this time it’s different. This time it’s not as simple as that. I had another child with me, a toddler. And sleep isn’t her favorite thing in the world. So whenever Ilhan sleeps, I’d be spending my precious time with Layla. What’s worse is that they sleep at different times all the time. Sorang tido, sorang bangun. Sorang tido, sorang bangun. At one point Ilhan would stay awake until up to 4am at nights and would nap for hours in the day, while Layla sleeps really well at night and refuses to nap at all in the day. I was getting hardly 3 hours of sleep daily. Oh, the torture.

And Ilhan was famous for being ‘muntah boy’ and ‘buchuk boy’. He pukes ALL.THE.TIME. and he craps ALL.THE.TIME. Tukar pampers je berpuluh kali sehari. Tu belum kira tukar baju sebab muntah. Mandikan pun tak boleh letak dalam besen, sebab dalam besen pun dia berak. I had to bathe him on my legs. Aku rapatkan dan luruskan dua-dua kaki, baringkan dia atas betis, dan siram air.

Oh Ilhan Shahid. You were a real challenge. And I feel it so much more because I’m a stay at home mom. He’s my job 24 hours a day. I don’t get 9 to 5 working hours, I don’t get public holidays, I don’t get annual leaves, I don’t get weekends off. I don’t get any chance to miss him because I’m by his side all the time. Only another stay at home mom would understand what I mean.

I used to pray for time to pass faster. Pray he would grow quickly. Just a little bit. Please reach 3 months old. 6 months old. And suddenly it’s passing too quickly for me. Suddenly he grew out of his difficult stages and progressed real fast. Rolling over. Sitting up. Crawling. Laughing. Eating. Walking. Talking.

And he is such a doll. Sangat manja dan cuddly. Sangat sweet and full of kisses and hugs. Sangat bijak dan cheeky.

I love you baby boy. For everything that you are. I survived you, and that’s made me a stronger Mama. Mama mungkin dah serik beranak sebab pengalaman jaga Ilhan tu, but I’m still thankful for that experience. 

Grow up and be good. That’s all I ask of you.

*Hugs and kisses*

1 Year Later: Ilhan Shahid's Birth Story

Oh! Cepatnye masa berlalu. My baby boy is 1 year old!

Bersempena dengan tarikh ini, aku nak mengenang kembali detik-detik setahun lalu. Jadi secara eksklusifnya aku release birth story Ilhan Shahid di sini. :P

3^rd May 2011

Pukul 6 pagi tu Layla turun katil dia, panjat katil kami dan mintak susu. Aku bangun berdiri je, rasa contraction. Contraction tu normal for me sebab 2 kali mengandung pun aku memang jenis kerap dapat Braxton hicks. Seawal 6 bulan perut aku dah mula mengeras sikit-sikit. Tapi pagi tu terus terdetik yang ‘Yeah, this is it.’ So lepas buat susu, aku pergi semayang Subuh dan lepas tu kejut husband. Contraction still ada every 10 minit, so lepas dia semayang aku bagitau dia, “I sakit-sakit ni. I think this is it.”

Dia cam, “Serious? Ok, so nak gi hospital sekarang ke?”

Aku tak nak sebab tak suka gi hospital awal-awal sangat. Lagi lama kat sana lagi banyak kena proses macam-macam. Seluk sana, seluk sini, cucuk sana, cucuk sini. Kecenderungan untuk pihak hospital masuk campur dalam proses bersalin normal sepenuhnya tu sangat tinggi kalau pergi hospital awal-awal. So instead, aku masukkan baju dalam mesin basuh, lipat baju yang bertimbun, husband sempat basuh toilet semua. Just clear out chores apa yang boleh sebab lepas ni sure busy giler. Siap mandi semua, menunggu Layla bangun. Biasala, bila kita nak dia bangun cepat memang takkan bangun la kan.

Aku masuk bilik kejut dia, baring sebelah dia sambil usap-usap dia. Tiba-tiba dilanda emosi. Terfikir yang ini mungkin last time aku dapat baring-baring dan spend time eksklusif dengan dia berdua je. Sedihnya masa  tu, memang banjir habis aku nangis. Belum tinggal dia lagi aku dah rindu dia siap-siap. Uhuk uhuk.

Anyway, pukul 9 baru kejut dia, bagi mandi semua. Call Mama bagitau kami nak pergi hospital. Dia kata Layla boleh hantar ke rumah dia sebab dia boleh minta excuse dari sekolah. Pergi sana, mama paksa aku makan sandwich telur sebab dia risau aku jadi macam masa bersalin Layla dulu. Siap bungkus bekal lagi. Pukul 10 lebih baru gerak ke Hospital Selayang. Contraction ada, tapi tak regular. Kejap every 10 minit, kejap every 5 minit.

Sampai Selayang 10.30 pagi. Naik ke Wad Bersalin, get ready untuk kena check. Sambil-sambil tunggu doctor tu, ada nurse-nurse keliling tanya pasal contraction semua. Bila sebut kata tak regular, diorang kata mungkin aku akan disuruh balik kejap lagi. Belum masa lagi. Datang doctor check, dah 5cm bukaan. Lega, sebab dah buka banyak masa sampai hospital. Kalau baru setakat 2cm, aku kompem akan depressed.

Doktor decide untuk terus pecahkan ketuban dan hantar masuk ke labour room. Lagi sekali lega. Tak payah nak masuk wad dulu. Sempat sms sume orang-orang yang berkenaan. Boleh gossip-gossip lagi dgn Zaf.

Dalam pukul 12 tu dah masuk labour room. Husband memang ada sebelah je the whole time. Masa tu tak sakit sangat. Sembang-sembang, gelak-gelak. Borak dengan nurse yang check contraction, heartbeat baby semua. Contraction kuat, kata nurse tu, tapi tak kerap. Takut bukaan tak progress, atau lambat progress, kata dia lagi. Aku ignore aje; tak nak focus on the negatives. By then dah start lapar, tapi nurse tak bagi makan. “Kalau kena emergency c-sect nanti susah kalau awak makan.” Lagi sekali aku ignore; focus on the positif sahaja – agak konfiden yang aku akan bersalin normal. So aku curi-curi makan bekal sandwich telur masa nurse keluar. Husband jaga line. Hihih.

A few times beberapa doctor/bidan/nurse datang check. Diorang offer injection untuk tahan sakit – pethidine – tapi aku tolak. So far i can handle it. Lapik tilam pulak dah lencun dengan air ketuban, so aku mintak diorang tukar. Turun katil sekejap, and amik kesempatan untuk pegi toilet. Tip yang bidan bagi masa bersalin Layla dulu – kerapkan kosongkan pundi kencing masa proses bersalin. Ia akan percepatkan bukaan. Lepas tu saja-saja berdiri sekejap tepi katil sebab ikut tip lagi satu – berdiri pun boleh cepatkan bukaan. Gravity helps. Masa tu baru start sakit kuat. Dalam 10 minit berdiri dah tak larat sebab contraction jadi kerap. Check jam, pukul 2.30 ptg.

Check bukaan lagi; 7cm. Doktor yang check tu pesan, “Saya akan bagi masa 4 jam lagi untuk dilation awak progress. Kalau tak kita induce.” Lagi sekali diorang offer pethidine, aku tolak jugak. Serentak tu Mama sampai, so dia take over masuk teman aku sekejap. Oh, masa tu contraction macam takde intervals. Baru berapa minit, dah tak tahan. Cakap kat mama suruh bagitau doctor untuk check. Dah rasa nak teran dah ni! Check bukaan: 9cm. Doktor kata, “Kalau dah rasa nak berak sangat-sangat, bagitahu.” Tak sampai 5 minit pun dah rasa dah. Kelam-kabut Mama pegi panggil husband.

Fully dilated, ready to push. Masa husband masuk tu dah crowning, so mengikut wave contraction, with 2 or 3 pushes, Ilhan Shahid pun lahir ke dunia. 03.05-2011, 3.26pm, 3.45kg baby boy. No episiotomy, just slight tearing. 

Wonderful, wonderful experience. Alhamdulillah everything was fast, smooth and easy. Positive thinking and Hypnobirthing techniques really helped. It's something every mom and future moms should know. Sangat worth it.

As for Ilhan Shahid, oh, dialah baby boy paling manja pokpek dan busuk masam dalam dunia ni. Tidur bawah ketiak mama. Kuat nangis. Kuat makan. Kuat peluh. Kuat berak. Semua kuat. Hihih... Cepat pick-up. Panjang akal. Suka digomol dan dicium. Suka main air. Suka menyakat dan buat Kakak nangis. 

Progress setakat usia setahun: 6 batang gigi. Dah boleh jalan. Pandai tepuk tangan, pandai lambai, pandai flying kiss, pandai cak-cak. Pandai minum guna straw. Boleh cakap Mama, Ayah, Kakak, Cat, Ball…

May you grow up to be a smart, healthy boy. Jadi anak yang soleh, yang beriman, yang menghormati orang dan berjaya dunia dan akhirat. Aminnnn…